


Help, I'm Alive

by TrulyGhoulish



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: ;O;, Angst, Emotional Turmoil, First Kiss, Fluff, Genji is a good boy and he deserves to be happy, Genyatta - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 07:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8363545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrulyGhoulish/pseuds/TrulyGhoulish
Summary: Genji can't take the pressure of his new life with his cyborg body and the anxiety is overwhelming. But he can find peace as long as he allows Zenyatta to help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My friend is making a Genyatta playlist n she asked if Metric's "Help I'm Alive" was a good song for it and I was like YEAH IT IS OMFG and listened to it on repeat while I wrote this so I suggest you listen to that before/after you read this hehe. (I'll link her mix when she finishes it too!)
> 
> Link to the song if interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoK63Bk7pgw

Genji collapsed against the door the moment he shut it, heart pounding in his new chrome body. He sucked in harsh breaths and, trembling, slid down to the floor. Slim metal fingers made soft, unfamiliar noises against his metallic frame as he held his knees to his chest. He tried desperately not to hear the mechanical twang of his heart in his chest or the gentle sounds of decompression his joints made or the soft whir of his visor as he slid it up. He felt like he was suffocating; he just wanted to breath deeply but all that came were shallow gasps. He’d been this way for quite a while – new, rebuilt, “rescued,” a “miracle” – but something had changed in him recently and no matter how much he thought he’d controlled his emotions, the anxiety would still find him. He'd only been with Zenyatta and his peers for a month or so and yet he still shamed himself when he couldn't be as composed as them.

He felt the sting of tears and was almost grateful for the familiarity. Sometimes it was all simply too much. It would start with the recurring nightmare of that evening with his brother. And then the day was all wrong. He couldn’t focus during meditation. He didn’t want to eat. The people around him would try to reach out and he would recoil at every attempt. Until he was wound so tightly that the simplest thing would ruin him. That night he had finally showed up for a meal. But when he was passed the chopsticks, something he had once used like second nature, he froze. He often was less dexterous and over compensated his grip when he was stressed, which he knew, but he did try. Still, he broke them in half out of pure frustration. And when he’d looked up from his bowl to see the sideways glances of those around him, trying to seem like they weren’t keenly watching – closely judging – he couldn’t bear it. 

“Idiot,” he hissed, tossing his head back to hit the door. He repeated the motion, almost finding the quick burst of mild pain grounding. He often felt numbed, neurons not fully adjusted yet. It made him feel disconnected from himself. It was quickly becoming one of those nights where all he could think was “I didn’t ask for this.” He was just about to throw his head back one more time but he managed to hear a small knock on the door and stopped himself. He stood up swiftly and stared at the door handle. 

“Go away,” he said sharply. But his fingers fidgeted at his sides, anxious. Who was it?

“Genji …” said, the calm voice of his mentor. Genji felt his heart speed up. Why did that thing in his chest have to be so … present. A mocking reminder that he was once whole. Genji chewed his lip but quickly decided it was better not to make Zenyatta prompt him again. Plus, he always found his master’s presence calming. Though right now it was hard to remember that. 

Genji hesitated still, then just went and sat on the edge of his bed. He didn’t want to talk about what happened and he was afraid Zenyatta would.

“Come in,” he finally conceded, high pitched at the end and nervous. But the door opened and sure enough, Zenyatta was standing there. He didn’t mind walking around the temple instead of his usual silent floating; he liked to wear a long, ornate robe and soft slippers that Genji secretly regarded as ridiculous. He was an omnic, he didn’t need any of that if he didn’t want it. Just like how Genji so far had rejected the idea of clothes to cover his robotic plating. What was the point?

Zenyatta was silent as he entered the room, even walking he barely made noise. (Wait, was that why he wore the slippers?) Genji tensed, fingers curling around the edge of the mattress as he stared at his knees and let Zenyatta come and rest on the bed next to him. 

“I’m fine,” Genji suddenly snapped, unprompted, though his voice was weak and he couldn’t look at Zenyatta.

“Well, we both know that is not true, Genji,” Zenyatta sighed, placing one hand over Genji’s, making the cyborg flinch. “My, your pulse is extremely fast,” Zenyatta murmured, immediately prompting Genji to pull his hand back and slide away from his mentor. 

“It’s okay,” he shrugged, finally able to look over at Zenyatta. Just seeing his mentor did fill him with a sense of calm. Zenyatta has been so instrumental in his rehabilitation and path to acceptance. The omnic was directly linked with the first sense of peace Genji had had since the transformation. He wanted so badly to try and use the techniques Zenyatta had taught him to center himself and feel calm. But he couldn’t and just shook his head pathetically. 

“It is not okay, my student. I see it written all over you. The weight of this new life troubles you always, I know this, but often it surges up within you without warning. But you remember what I’ve taught you, do you not?” Zenyatta’s words were soft and deliberate and he didn’t move to touch Genji again. It was almost maddening, that Genji would have such an understanding mentor but that he couldn’t pull himself together to do the basics of meditation he’d been taught. 

“Master, I cannnot,” Genji groaned. A dry gasp of a sob escaped his lips then and he suddenly shook visibly. He looked to Zenyatta, always still so afraid to ask for help. But the days spent close together had let Zenyatta quickly learn when his pupil was in trouble. 

“I can help you, Genji,” he soothed, only now moving, so he could sit on the bed behind Genji. “Come here,” he suggested, gently placing a hand on Genji’s upper arm and guiding him until Genji was sitting between Zenyatta’s limbs that made a half circle around Genji’s crossed legs. “Good,” he complimented, merely happy his student had agreed and wasn’t still languishing where Zenyatta couldn’t help.

Genji worried his lower lip to keep from crying. He felt Zenyatta take a wrist in each hand and set them palm down on Genji’s thighs. He was still shaking slightly. 

“Breathe with me, Genji,” Zenyatta said, starting to count slow breaths and moving his chest even though Genji was aware Zenyatta didn’t need to do that. It made him cringe. 

“You don’t breathe. I shouldn’t be breathing either,” he scoffed, but he kept his hands in place. He heard Zenyatta let out a little frustrated huff and Genji smirked slightly. But the fleeting joy of a snarky reply was replaced with guilt. “Master, I just … don’t understand how to be …” he trailed off, the sudden emotional switch was too much. He couldn’t even think of a word to describe who he was or what he even wanted.

“It will be okay, my student, if you listen to me,” Zenyatta whispered, sending a not unpleasant shiver through Genji. So he tried to relax. He listened when Zenyatta told him to lean back. He pressed against his omnic mentor and was surprised to feel something akin to a heartbeat. 

“Master …” Genji murmured. But he was cut off.

“Shh… place your palms in mine,” Zenyatta said almost silently, Genji sure that he had some frequency he spoke on that only Genji’s ears could hear and it tickled at the base of his neck. Genji was willing putty. He let Zenyatta upturn his hands and he placed his palms against his. He felt a pulse, not exactly like his but it was only slightly different. So similar in feeling it stunned Genji. 

Then they were quiet. Genji’s gentle breathing was timed with the rise and fall of Zenyatta’s chest as he pretended to breathe to help his student. And then Genji could feel his heart rate slow. It calmed until he and Zenyatta’s mechanics were beating in unison. The pulse in their palms beat the same pace as well. Genji’s eyes were closed and he didn’t even realize it. He was crying again but it was from the relief he felt. The noises in his body were quieted, even the negative voice telling him how much of an abomination he was. It faded away as long as he was with Zenyatta. 

“See now, my Genji, you and I are much the same,” he murmured, breaking Genji’s deep focus.

“That’s kind of the problem … master,” he said quickly, a little mad Zenyatta broke the trance for that annoying factoid. Being part robotics was the problem.

“Well, I merely wanted to express to you that no matter how unwelcome you feel you may always come to me for help, and for a … friend. We are the same and I will never find fault in you simply for who you are.” Zenyatta was again soft and slow and deliberate. His fingers wove into Genji’s as he spoke and Genji felt his heart pick up again. But as his sped up, so did his master’s in tandem.

“Master, I …” he began, turning his head so he could look at the serene expression of his mentor. But he was at a loss for words. He watched Zenyatta who was watching him in turn, but there was no malice or judgement or pity, real or imagined, that Genji always seemed to see in one person or another. It was overwhelming. He had heard Zenyatta say similar things before, but he’d never really felt it until now.

“Please help me, being this alive … is …too much,” Genji whispered, leaning closer and closer, neck straining. Zenyatta’s hands gripped tighter. 

“I will always help you, Genji,” he said in that low, quiet, near silent tone.

“Zenya-” he began, high pitched and needy, but Genji was cut off, mouth tenderly meeting his mentor’s. It was new but it filled him with tranquility he’d never known before.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twitter!
> 
> sfw: @TrueGhoul  
> nsfw: @TrulyGhoulish
> 
> edit:I mighta gotten a bit of lore/timeline wrong im gonna tweak it a little soon incase you read it n were like hmmmm i think it went more likw this other thing
> 
> edit 2: just fiddled with some wording/plot points to match a bit better w canon bc it was bothering me, hope it didn't bother anyone else lol


End file.
